Navigating Volatile Relationships
Big emotions are welcome here. But sometimes, one emotion seems to drown out all the others. If you’ve been in a relationship where everything seems to come out as frustration, irritation, or explosive anger, you’re not alone.
Let’s take a gentle look at what it’s like to live alongside someone whose anger speaks louder than anything else — and how a therapist might help unpack what’s underneath.
💬 Emma’s Story
Emma, 39, described her partner as “incredibly loyal and protective, but like a storm waiting to happen.” Over time, she found herself walking on eggshells, a misplaced comment or a stressful day at work could trigger a wave of shouting or withdrawal. “It wasn’t physical, she said. “But it was like I had to keep the peace all the time.”
When she tried to raise how the outbursts affected her, he’d often respond with defensiveness or shame. “I didn’t grow up in a house where people talked about feelings,” he once said. But the result was the same: anger did the talking, and Emma withdrew a little more each time.
💬 Tom’s Story
Tom, 47, said his partner Sarah had a “short fuse but a huge heart.” In public, she was warm funny and charismatic, people were naturally drawn to her, she liked to be the centre of attention when we were out. However at home, tension simmered never far from the the surface, especially when plans changed, or she felt I wasn’t doing things to her standard, she liked the house cleaning to be done in a certain way. Her anger often left him reeling. “She’d verbally lash out saying some very vicious, hatefilled things and then cry, then apologise but we never really talked about what was going on underneath.”
Tom wasn’t afraid of her, but he was afraid of getting it wrong. “I learned to predict her moods before she did.
🧠 Why Anger Dominates
Anger is often a secondary emotion, a protector. It can mask fear, shame, grief, vulnerability. For some people, especially those who grew up in emotionally unsafe environments, anger becomes the only acceptable emotional currency.
When a partner struggles to express sadness, fear, or hurt, they might unconsciously reach for anger instead. Over time, this can create a relationship dynamic where connection feels unsafe and communication becomes a minefield.
🧰 How a Therapist Might Begin to Unpack This
A therapist working with an individual or couple in this dynamic might approach things gently, with curiosity and clarity. Here’s how that process might begin:
1. Understanding the Role of Anger
Anger often gets labelled as a “bad” emotion but in many cases, it’s a protective one. It’s fast, loud, and often easy to reach for. It shows up when something, not always obvious or conscious, feels threatened.
For some people, anger is the only emotion that feels safe enough to express. It can be a shield for:
Fear of being rejected
Feelings of shame or not being good enough
Fear of losing control
Old emotional wounds from childhood that never got healed
🧠 A therapist might gently explain:
“Anger is often what we see, but it’s rarely what the person is actually feeling first. It’s like a bodyguard for more vulnerable emotions.”
🌱 Helping the Couple Explore This
If a partner finds it hard to identify what’s underneath their anger, that’s completely normal. Emotional insight takes time. A therapist might begin by slowing the pace and helping both people tune into what happens just before anger arrives.
Here are a few gentle entry points:
“What was going through your mind right before you got angry?”
(Were you feeling ignored? Disrespected? Afraid something was slipping out of your control?)
“What did it feel like in your body?”
(Was there tightness? A rush of heat? A frozen feeling?)
“If the anger could speak on your behalf, what would it be trying to say?”
(Often it’s things like: I feel overwhelmed. I feel scared. I feel like I don’t matter.)
“Who taught you how to express difficult emotions?”
(This can open a conversation about early family dynamics.)
🧠 A Simple Framework: “Anger as a Secondary Emotion”
Therapists often explain that anger is a secondary emotion, meaning it’s a response to another feeling that came first.This could be:
Hurt
Sadness
Embarrassment
Powerlessness
But those primary feelings might not feel safe or familiar to recognise or express, especially for someone who grew up in a household where emotional vulnerability wasn’t allowed.
📖 Attachment theory helps explain this. If someone learned that closeness led to chaos, rejection, or criticism, they may have adapted by pushing people away through anger even when they deeply crave connection. And from a Polyvagal Theory lens, anger often shows up as part of a fight response. When the nervous system perceives danger (even emotional danger), it mobilises ready to defend or push back, rather than connect or stay open.
🪞What a therapist might say:
“Let’s slow it down. If anger had a voice, what might it be trying to protect?”“What would it mean if you let someone see what was underneath the anger?”“What would happen if that part of you didn’t have to fight so hard?”
This isn’t about blaming or fixing. It’s about helping both partners understand that the anger isn’t the enemy, it’s a signal. And with time, support, and safety, that signal can become a bridge instead of a wall.
2. Exploring the Nervous System
Is the partner in constant fight-or-flight mode?
How does the other partner’s body respond: freeze, fawn, shut down?
🪞Therapist might explore:
“What does your body do in the moments before or during these arguments?”
3. Mapping Communication Patterns
In many volatile relationships, the tension isn’t just about what is said it’s about the “dance” partners fall into again and again.
Some people move toward conflict raising their voice, chasing clarity, demanding repair. Others move away shutting down, avoiding eye contact, retreating into silence. This dynamic is often known as pursue–withdraw, and it’s incredibly common but it can be exhausting for both people.
👫 A Common Pattern
Take Anna and Rob.
When things got heated, Anna would go after resolution. “I can’t just leave it hanging,” she’d say. “I need to talk it through, fix it.”
Rob, on the other hand, would disappear into himself. He’d leave the room. Go for a drive. Say nothing for hours.
To Anna, this felt like abandonment. To Rob, it felt like survival.
Neither one was trying to hurt the other. But they were stuck in a loop:
Anna chased connection and Rob’s silence felt punishing.
Rob withdrew to avoid escalation but Anna’s intensity made him feel unsafe.
Each partner was telling themselves a story:“I must not matter to him.”“She’ll never let things go.”
A therapist might gently say:
“I’m noticing that when Rob shuts down, Anna turns up the volume. And when Anna turns up the volume, Rob disappears. It’s not about who’s right it’s about how each of you is trying to feel okay.”
🧠 The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Everyone brings a history into conflict. Maybe you grew up in a home where anger meant danger. Or where silence meant control. Maybe no one ever taught you how to repair, just how to win or withdraw.
In therapy, it’s not about assigning blame, but getting curious:
What does your partner’s reaction remind you of?
What meaning do you make when they go quiet?
(Do you feel rejected? Punished?)
What meaning do you make when they get loud?
(Do you feel criticised? Unsafe?)
These stories shape how we respond and unless they’re named, they quietly run the show.
🪞What a therapist might observe or say:
“I’m noticing that anger becomes the signal, but what’s underneath isn’t always named.”“Can we pause and ask: what’s the story I’m telling myself right now? Is it true, or is it familiar?”
Over time, couples can learn to spot their pattern not to avoid conflict altogether, but to approach it with more awareness, more grace, and more choice.
Because when the story changes, the cycle can change too.
4. Creating Emotional Safety
Emotional safety isn’t about never disagreeing, it’s about knowing that when conflict does happen, it won’t cost you your inner peace, your voice, or your sense of self.
In many relationships where anger dominates, safety has slowly eroded. One person may fear being criticised for being too emotional. The other may feel judged for not knowing how to express themselves “the right way.” Over time, this creates a kind of relational brittleness, or emotional vacuum, where both people are guarded, not grounded.
👫 Story: Safety in the Small Things
Elise and Dan came to therapy in a state of exhaustion. “We love each other,” Elise said, “but I don’t feel safe sharing anything real anymore.”Dan looked confused: “I’m not dangerous. I’ve never hurt her.”And he hadn’t - physically. But when emotions ran high, he would raise his voice, dismiss her concerns, or withdraw for hours.
Through gentle work, they began to see that togetherness isn’t just about what’s done it’s about how a space feels.
They created simple ground rules:
No shouting
No walking away without saying when you’ll come back
Pause and label: “I feel… I need…”
And they started using colour-coded check-ins ie green (all good), purple (something’s off), red (not okay right now). It gave them a shared language before things escalated.
🧠 The Theory Behind It
According to emotionally focused therapy (EFT), couples thrive when they feel securely attached and when vulnerability is met with responsiveness, not rejection or shutdown. But vulnerability takes practice, especially if one or both partners grew up in homes where feelings were mocked, belittled, minimised, ignored, or punished.
So part of therapy is about:
Modelling safety: slowing down, using kind tone, validating experience
Naming emotions before they flood the system: “I’m feeling overwhelmed” is easier to respond to than a slammed door
🪞A therapist might offer:
“Can we try a shared language for checking in like colour codes or a word scale before things boil over?”“What would it feel like to make emotional safety a shared goal, not a personal failing?”
5. Supporting the Partner on the Receiving End
In relationships where one partner is frequently angry or dysregulated, the other often becomes the emotional shock absorber. They tiptoe. They scan the environment for signs of mood shifts. They take on the role of peacemaker, even when it costs them their own voice.
Over time, this partner may lose touch with what they feel, what they want, and what’s theirs to carry.
👫 Story: Rebuilding Voice and Boundaries
Josh had been with Mel for over a decade. “She’s fiery,” he said. “But that’s just her, I’ve learned how to manage it.”
But when asked what he needed in the relationship, he fell silent. “I don’t know. I just try to keep things calm.”
Josh wasn’t lying he’d spent so long minimising himself that his internal compass had dulled.
In therapy, they explored how his silence wasn’t just passive. It was self-protection. And over time, it became self-abandonment.
🧠 The Theory Behind It
Polyvagal theory helps explain this. In moments of threat, we don’t just fight or flee, we also fawn or freeze. These are nervous system strategies to stay safe. But when they become chronic, the person begins to live in a state of suppression.
A therapist’s role here is to help the receiving partner:
Recognise their right to take up space
Rebuild connection to their emotional needs
Set boundaries without guilt or fear of fallout
🪞A therapist might say:
“You’re allowed to name how this is impacting you.”“It’s not selfish to ask for space, clarity, or respect.”“You are not responsible for regulating someone else’s emotions at the cost of your own wellbeing.”
When emotional safety becomes mutual, when both partners are allowed to feel, speak, and pause without fear, even the most volatile dynamics can begin to soften.
🌱 Moving Forward
Volatile relationships can sometimes heal with intention, insight, willingness, and time. But it begins with recognising that beneath anger, there’s often a scared or hurting part that never learned another way to be seen.
If you’re in this kind of relationship, you’re not weak for hoping it gets better. And you’re not unreasonable for needing more safety, softness, and space to breathe.
You deserve a love that speaks more than just anger.